Lies told by Steel Panther Part 1…

I’ve been listening to Steel Panther a lot, and trying out some of the advice given in their songs.  Turns out it’s all lies!!  Here is what happened to me:

Telling a stripper that she’s ugly – from the song “Critter”
This one was pretty easy to do, I went straight down to Hooters.  Turns out, they aren’t strippers, and there are no “private booths” in the back of the kitchen.  Undeterred, and looking to wake up the next day with a floor carpeted in orange hot pants, I proudly said “You’re all ugly bitches”.  Unfortunately, it turns out that every Hooters keeps a hungry Owl in the roofspace for just this eventuality, they set it free and it flew down and pecked me on the cock.

Rolling a girl in flour to find out where she’s wet – from the song “Turn out the lights”
This incident would probably have been avoided if I had actual flour in my cupboard, however I only had bread mix.  I was pretty desperate (hence why I’d settled for ‘Ugly Irene’ that night) so I just used it anyway.  It worked pretty well, but I had to use a LOT of the packet.  We were fucking up against the wall in the garden (Irene’s not allowed in the house after last time) and in the heat of the moment, I knocked her into the hot tub.  The bread mix instantly turned into dough and enveloped us in a cocoon of bread, I was stuck inside the cocoon and inside Irene for 4 days until I managed to ‘eat my way out’ to freedom.

Kissing her mouth after she swallows your loadfrom the song “Community Property”
This should be pretty obvious.  If you’ve followed me on twitter you’ll know that I’ve got so many STDs that my kitty jizz burns like acid and has been known to dissolve skin on prolonged contact.  However, I thought I’d give it a go, so I gave this hooker a kiss before she had time to spit it out, before I even got to her face, her jizz infused halitosis instantly melted all the fur on my face. (evidence provided)

 

Posted on May 14, 2012 - Filed Under Accidents, Bed Intruder, Sex | Leave a Comment

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