Child Support..

Just had ANOTHER letter from the child support agency about my illegitimate love child with Hello Kitty.  Apparently proving to the court that she was an alcoholic slapper who would sleep with anything with half a tail, was not good enough.  As such, I’m getting custody of our child this weekend, and I’ve been told by the judge that I’m not allowed to eat it regardless of how hungry I am.  Apparently KFC being shut is not an excuse to eat your children.  You’d think she’d appreciate the irony considering that she was conceived in the back of a KFC kitchen while I was dressed as Colonel Sanders and eating fried chicken off her mums tits…

Its hard having 6 nipples…

Last night Owen caught me in his bedroom trying ‘something’ that a few people might consider a bit strange.  I think I need to explain.

It might seem like I’m a massive sexual deviant, (which we all know I am) but I was just wearing the bra’s because I was trying an experiment involving milk and my breasts…

Basically, I’m injecting milk into my titties so I can snack on them at my leisure… I’m not proud.  Well, ok, I am pretty proud. Wearing 3 bra’s is a small price to pay for constant milky nourishment.  Imagine Pamela Anderson, Jordan and Holly Willoughby all joined together and milky… mmmmmmm.

And besides that, I look fucking sexy. Fuck you all.

Sour Oranges…

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This is possibly one of the most sour orange juice drinks ever. I’ve just drank 19 of them in a row. My fiery kitty piss is going to be able to melt a hookers face later…mew….

Asserting My Olympic Prowess…

The Olympics is the perfect combination of media exposure and sensationalism for me to start striking fear in the hearts of the mass population.

I was originally planning to hanglide naked into the middle of the stadium just at the end of the 100m final, and assert my dominance over the puny human race, however my network of kitty spies informs me that theres a 50 percent chance of Sam sites shooting me down.  Now, Mr pickles might takes risks when it comes to unprotected sex, but when it involves getting my genitals exploded by a missile, no thanks! I prefer it when my cock is the missile doing the exploding! :3

Back to the drawing board…

Because All The Bitches Love It…

If this doesn’t serve to attract sexy ladies of the night, then I don’t know what will!

Either that, or I’ll use it to distract fatties…mew…

Nothing but mammals…

You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals… But I do still like to moisturise…

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Lies told by Steel Panther Part 1…

I’ve been listening to Steel Panther a lot, and trying out some of the advice given in their songs.  Turns out it’s all lies!!  Here is what happened to me:

Telling a stripper that she’s ugly – from the song “Critter”
This one was pretty easy to do, I went straight down to Hooters.  Turns out, they aren’t strippers, and there are no “private booths” in the back of the kitchen.  Undeterred, and looking to wake up the next day with a floor carpeted in orange hot pants, I proudly said “You’re all ugly bitches”.  Unfortunately, it turns out that every Hooters keeps a hungry Owl in the roofspace for just this eventuality, they set it free and it flew down and pecked me on the cock.

Rolling a girl in flour to find out where she’s wet – from the song “Turn out the lights”
This incident would probably have been avoided if I had actual flour in my cupboard, however I only had bread mix.  I was pretty desperate (hence why I’d settled for ‘Ugly Irene’ that night) so I just used it anyway.  It worked pretty well, but I had to use a LOT of the packet.  We were fucking up against the wall in the garden (Irene’s not allowed in the house after last time) and in the heat of the moment, I knocked her into the hot tub.  The bread mix instantly turned into dough and enveloped us in a cocoon of bread, I was stuck inside the cocoon and inside Irene for 4 days until I managed to ‘eat my way out’ to freedom.

Kissing her mouth after she swallows your loadfrom the song “Community Property”
This should be pretty obvious.  If you’ve followed me on twitter you’ll know that I’ve got so many STDs that my kitty jizz burns like acid and has been known to dissolve skin on prolonged contact.  However, I thought I’d give it a go, so I gave this hooker a kiss before she had time to spit it out, before I even got to her face, her jizz infused halitosis instantly melted all the fur on my face. (evidence provided)

 

Bounty Notice – Dave Benson Phillips…

Minions, I require Dave Benson Phillips to hang next to the molested corpse of Pat Sharpe in my Crystal Maze Basement Dungeon.  I need him alive because I want to finally get to play “Get your own back” and get even with John Major for sticking it to Edwina Currie before I got the chance…

Following that, I’ll hang him up outside the entrance to the basement next to Pat, and leave them to the mercy of an insane Richard O’Brien who’s been down there for months, slowly going mental…

The Phantom Tea-bagger

Minions, be warned… If you cross me, you can expect a night time visit. I shall sneak into your house (hopefully through the catflap), enter your bedroom, and whilst you sleep, I’ll teabag you.

I know what you’re thinking. How am I going to fit my giant kitty balls into your mouth without chocking you to death. The answer: One hairy testicle at a time.

Oh, and I might have a quick go on your boobs too if you’re a woman.. especially if you’re breastfeeding… yum!

Then I’ll escape into the night, leaving you to wake up with nothing but a strange taste in your mouth, and if you’re lucky, maybe a stray pube.

Oh, and herpes of course…

Got Milk?

It may be unknown to you mere minions, but I have been involved in changing this world in ways you can only imagine.  The truth is, I was responsible for Thatchers “Milk Snatching” in the 70’s there are hundreds of gallons of milk in storage tanks across the UK.  I use them for my own private supply of milk.

Fuck the under 11’s, I can have milk whenever I like now!!! :3

Sometimes I’ll stand on the roof and throw a bottle of it at the kids below, and shout: “THIS IS THE MILKY TASTE OF MY REPRESSION”

To everyone now in their 30’s with a calcium deficiency… look at me.. mew!!

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